Words that still sink my heart till this day, or the more familiar “pardon”. Only a fellow stammerer can relate with me on this one. Although, I’ve learnt how to better manage and control my speech impairment. Old habits die hard and being asked to repeat myself is like playing a game of roulette.
Logically, I shouldn’t stress about doing so. However, as I said, “old habits” – something is activated in my head, alarms bells start a-ringing and most often than not I shut down. I think it’s worth saying that all this happens in a fraction of a second (a millisecond even) and the pandemonium going on in my head is not noticeable by merely looking at my face or body language.
Hear me out real quick, I’d be a liar if I said that my speech impairment hasn’t held me back from doing and/or trying new things in my 25 years of life. Rather, I’d be much more honest if instead, I said that it has been a burden that I have come to live with. I have good days and bad days (O boy do I hate the bad days). It’s frustrating and can be demoralising when you’re not able to express yourself the way you want. Or when you have amazing ideas, opinions or thoughts. But you’re not able (or in my case not bothered or patient enough) to articulate it, which can be infuriating.
Not to sound pompous, But I’m a smart guy, not only that, I’m intelligent and very well-spoken (in my head anyway). But I don’t feel like it shows whenever I open my mouth, my impairment makes me feel dumb, inadequate, inferior, I could go on but I’m starting to bum myself out.
HOWEVER – and my Christian brothers and sisters will be glad to know this. Ever since I started being more intentional with my faith and my relationship with God. I have seen a change in my outlook and how I perceive my stutter. I take solace in the story of Moses in the book of Exodus. A man that led thousands from oppression and slavery to the promised land. A man of such significance, had a stutter, just like me.
He was only able to achieve what he did through the grace and strength of Jesus, the son of the living God. The story of Moses reminds me of what God can do and also that I’m capable of extraordinary and supernatural things if I surrender to the Lord and allow Him to use me for the growth of his kingdom and sharing of his word, LIVING word.
Funnily enough, I didn’t plan to go into evangelist mode there. But my fingers suddenly gained a mind of their own and I wasn’t about to stop the Holy Spirit from working through me!
In conclusion, my stutter may still worry me from time to time. But its influence over my emotions, as well as my confidence/security in my future is waning, and pretty fast.
Can I get a hallelujah?